Dungeon Crawler Carl

"You have entered the World Dungeon accompanied by a cat. Ahh, isn’t that sweet?"

"You are one of the first 5,000 Crawlers to enter a new World Dungeon. Sucker."

"You didn’t bring any supplies. None. You know you still gotta eat, right?"

"You entered the dungeon wearing no pants. Dude. Seriously?"

"So. You just gonna waltz right into something called a “World Dungeon” and you’re not even going to bring a weapon? You’re either braver than you look, or you’re just an idiot. Good luck with that, Van Damme."

"You entered the dungeon without any human companions. Didn’t anyone teach you there is safety in numbers?"

"You walked straight into an obvious dungeon hazard."

"Wow. You can read. Whoopie."

"Hopefully it won’t hit back!"

"You’re a murderer! He probably had a family!"

"Holy crap, dude. That’s kinda fucked up."

"You’re getting the hang of this. Don’t let it get to your head."

"Congratulations. You know how to open doors."

"You’ve used your bare feet to crush and kill an opponent! Hey! That’s my fetish! Seriously. Keep doing it, and you’ll be rewarded. This will help."

"You’ve caused a wall-shaking explosion within the dungeon! The last time the walls shook like this was when your mom came over for a visit."

"You’ve received enough experience to gain a level."

"You’re wearing something you found in the dungeon."

"You’re wearing magical gear for the first time! You’re a wizard, Crawler!"

"You have struck a blow against a dungeon boss and caused damage to it. Here’s a fun fact. For crawlers who make it through the tutorial, this achievement is, by far, most often the last achievement they ever receive. Isn’t that interesting?"

"You punched a green acidic slime with your bare fist. Brilliant tactical decision."

"You’ve been attacked by a fellow crawler in a safe zone, and the system has been forced to save your ass. That usually suggests you’re either really annoying, or you snore. If this were a prison, you would now be my bitch. Wait…"

"You killed two mobs at once using only their own bodies against each other. On a brutality scale of Bambi to Martyrs, that is a solid Seven."

"So, you’ve stumbled into the chamber of the second-weakest type of boss. If you survive this, it means you are in the top 5% of all crawlers. Too bad only the top .25% make it past the next tier."

"You built a structure and deployed it in battle. And your mother thought you were wasting your life away while you spent all those hours eating Doritos and playing Minecraft. If only she could see you now. Too bad she’s probably dead."

"You have found a stairwell down to the next floor. They say the cream rises to the top. So what does that say about you?"

"You have discovered a reward room! Scattered throughout the dungeon, reward rooms offer crawlers items generally not available within loot boxes. Most reward rooms only allow one choice. So, if you’re in a party of multiple people, tell them I said you should get the prize, not them."

"You have discovered a pet reward room. From caterpillars who secrete vodka to basilisks who can turn mobs to stone, a good pet can make the difference between survival and the end of the road. Just remember what happened with Harambe. There ain’t no zookeepers around to shoot the monster’s ass if you bite off more than you can chew."

"You somehow managed to remove the hostility of an aggravated, non-sapient enemy. That enemy then fought against other enemies to your benefit. The ghost of Steve Irwin smiles down upon you."

"You managed to make it all the way through the first Dungeon Crawler Carl book without throwing it against the wall!"